Why We Can't Have Nice Things
by PaperbackHeart
Summary: A collection of oneshots and the mayhem that usually follows the Avengers. They were never known for their boring lives, after all.


Tony could barely see through the gloom. The air was musty, and little dust motes flit about it. He clutched his gun tighter, feeling hopelessly exposed. He couldn't hear anyone, but he felt eyes crawling over his skin, watching him. It made goosebumps rise up on his arms and he desperately wished for his suit. He couldn't have Friday call it for him. It would never make it here. The weapon was slick in his sweating palms, his heart thundering in his chest so loud Tony could hear it. Someone shouted. It came from across the room, but still he ducked behind a nearby crate.

He'd never been so in the open. Even hidden behind the crate, he was still vulnerable from too many sides. He needed to find an enclave or a wall, something to cover his back. He'd lost track of Bruce and Clint ten minutes ago, lost to the maze. The hangar was absolutely massive, crowded with loading crates and shipping containers. He considered calling out for them, but it would surely give away his position.

"Stark!" came a guttural shout, loud and very close.

Tony started, knocking his head sharply against the crate. He swore in a low voice, rubbing the sore spot and seeing stars. He would definitely have a head ache later…

"Where are you?!" the voice shouted again.

Tony couldn't tell whose it was. It was very close now, probably fifteen feet away. If he stood to fire, he'd be shot in an instant. His aim with a gun was poor. Blasters, he could handle, but a weapon like this, especially considering how inaccurate it was, would only fail him. If he stayed hidden, he stood a chance of going unnoticed, but Tony internally scoffed at the thought. _Hide? Uh, uh. Definitely not._ That only left making a run for it, something certainly not beneath Tony. He'd rather run away than be caught.

"Reveal yourself!" called another.

Tony glanced down at his wrist, the watch resting there reflecting his shining, flushed face. An idea came to him.

"Bye, bye, Rolex," he whispered, undoing the clasp.

He gave it a kiss before chucking it as far as he could. It clanged loudly against an abandoned forklift, the sound echoing in the cavernous room.

"There!" a voice said, and Tony bolted the opposite direction.

He kept his head low and tried not to trip, praying that his watch had bought him enough time. He turned his head, still running through the dark, but he couldn't see his pursuers. The voices faded with distance and Tony began to slow.

"Thank g-," he started, but was interrupted.

Tony crashed into something and was knocked to the ground, his knees cracking painfully against the concrete.

"Gah…Tony?"

He didn't respond, but groaned for his poor, busted knee-caps.

"Jeez, Stark. Your gun cracked me in the head…" Bruce replied in a pained voice.

"What are you doing just standing in the dark for?" he snapped, defensive. "Creep much? God."

"I wasn't just standing here, I was trying to find you!" Banner said in a low voice.

Tony barely paid him a thought, climbing shakily to his feet. He looked to Bruce's dark form, mouth barely keeping up with his head as he said, "Not very well. Where've you been? I was looking for you for ten minutes! I just ran into someone back there. Didn't see who it was. And where's Clint? Hey, what are you doing?"

Bruce had grabbed Tony by the vest and pulled him into an open shipping container. It was almost completely void of light, the far corners black and impenetrable.

"Shut up for a second!" Bruce hissed. "I think I hear them coming…"

Though he was irked to be man-handled, Tony complied. He strained his ears, keeping as still as possible. He felt like if he'd even shifted, the rustle of his clothes would cover the whisper of a footstep, the tiny squeak of a boot. He pointed his gun at the entrance, waiting.

"You guys breathe so loudly, I could have picked you off in the dark."

"Clint, get in here," Bruce said irritably, and Barton stepped into view from around the door of the container.

"What are you two girls doing in here?"

He swung his gun about casually, weight shifted to one leg. Even in the dark, Tony could clearly see the sarcasm in his form just as it was clear in Clint's voice.

"We need to work out a plan. They'll be here any minute and we still don't know what we're supposed to be doing," Bruce said, keeping his voice quiet.

Tony nodded in agreement before he remembered that they probably couldn't see him.

"Green Giant's right. We're unorganized. Where's Nat anyways?"

Clint's outline, lit by the dim light outside, shrugged. He said, "I think she's just been picking them off on her own. I dunno where she is now."

"How many do you have left?" Bruce asked.

"Two."

"Me too. What about you Tony?"

"Four," he responded.

Bruce scoffed and said, "How?"

"I've been hiding behind crates this entire time."

He could practically feel the eye-roll he was no doubt receiving from Banner.

"Fine. Tony, you take lead. Get us back to the east door. That's where I saw Nat last," Clint said, slapping a hand on Tony's shoulder.

"Me?"

"Yeah, you. Move it," Clint said, pushing the engineer towards the door.

"The least you can do is shield us."

"That's very cold of you, Bruce," Tony hissed, but nevertheless, ducked his head out.

He couldn't see anyone nor did he hear footsteps, but he didn't trust the silence. He gripped his gun tighter as the other two followed him out of the container. Tony headed for the east door, keeping low, and behind crates and half walls as best he could. The darkness was encroaching again, heavy and tense. The other two spread out, sweeping the hangar. Their footsteps were hushed, and they drew little attention. That is, until Tony was once again knocked to the hard ground. This time, however, it was squarely on his backside.

"What the-?"

"Oh, sorry Tony," came Natasha's voice. "I can barely see."

"Right," he said. "Uh huh."

He accepted her hand to help him up, but not her apology. She was far too smug about the entire thing, and it was very unlike her to mistake a teammate for an enemy. He brushed dirt off his pants sulkily, and she chuckled a bit.

"Hi, Natasha," Bruce said, and they tapped their guns together, almost like a high-five.

"Hey, babe. Where have you been?" she asked sweetly.

"Just around," he said in response, accepting Nat's kiss with pinkish cheeks.

Clint made a gagging noise and said snappishly, "Can we please save the pleasantries for later when we're _not_ being shot at?"

"My schedule's free. How about Friday?"

"Shut up, Tony," came several voices in response. He couldn't even tell whose they belonged to.

"Where are we going? What's the plan?" Nat asked.

"East door. Plan isn't complete yet," Clint responded, and they started moving again.

"Complete?" Nat asked.

"Try started," Tony muttered, still a little sore.

She scoffed, but carried on, weapon held dangerously and surely before her.

"Why the east door?" she asked. "What's there?"

It was about a minute of silence before Clint finally answered, "I think I dropped a granola bar over there." The redhead came to an abrupt halt and they stopped behind a pile of boxes. She turned around and said, "Are you serious?"

"Yeah."

She fixed him with a fiery gaze bright enough to light the place up, and said, "That was your reasoning." He shrugged in response.

"It didn't cross your mind how stupid that is?" she asked errantly, but her hard expression betrayed her casual stance.

"Why? What's wrong with the east door?" Bruce asked.

Tony knew he should try to concentrate on listening for their pursuers, but their conversation was too distracting.

"Yeah. Why are you so upset about it?" he asked.

Natasha threw her hands up and said, "It's only the worst vantage point. We've already scoped it out. There's barely any cover." Her voice was growing louder. "I thought that maybe you guys had some reason other than a _granola bar_ for wanting to go there!"

"Nat, you're being really loud."

"Am I? Am I going to give away our position? More so than your noisy granola bar wrapper?" She turned to Tony then, "Or your stampeding footsteps, like come on. Could you be any louder?"

"That's what she said."

Nat glared at him before turning back to the other two, trying to work out a better plan. A few minutes later, Tony saw movement from the corner of his eye. He ducked, but couldn't shout out in time, and dove behind the boxes. Nat's plastic gun and vest flashed red and made a powering down noise.

"Oh, god dammit!" she said throwing up her hands. "That was my last life!"

" _You. Are. Out. Of. Lives. Thanks. For. Playing,"_ said a robotic voice.

" _FIRE!_ " Clint shouted, shooting at Steve, Thor, and Hill who'd just jumped from behind a forklift.

Bruce and Clint managed a shot on each of them before their vests and guns lit up too.

" _One. Life. Left."_

"Shut up!" Clint said, banging the gun on his leg. He and Bruce ran off, waiting for their weapons to reboot.

"What's the matter, Nat?" Steve asked, smirking wide enough to see even in the dim lighting.

She was seething at this point, eyes blazing, hand on her hip, and foot tapping against the concrete. Tony was surprised by how competitive she was. He'd have to warn poor, unsuspecting Brucey about that later. Tony was also surprised that they hadn't seen him yet. He was blocked from view, but it was only a matter of time before-

"Stark!" Thor shouted, shooting wildly.

Tony ducked once, and then managed a shot on him.

" _You. Are. Out. Of. Lives. Thanks. For. Playing."_

"What? No!" Thor protested, shaking his gun which had turned red. "I still live, you foul computer!"

Tony made a run for it, his vest flashing red when someone's laser met the plastic targets.

" _Three. Lives. Left."_

"Stark!" Steve shouted. "You can't hide forever!"

Tony sprinted through the dark, Hill and Roger's footsteps thundering behind him. Their shouts echoed about the hangar, and Tony's heart was nearly up his throat. Suddenly, Clint jumped out of a shipping container three feet in front of him, firing behind Tony at his pursuers. He had a mad glint in his eyes and was shouting unintelligibly. His blaster found its mark because Tony heard _"You. Are. Out. Of. Lives. Thanks. For. Playing,"_ and Hill yelling in response behind him.

" _You. Are. Out. Of. Lives. Thanks. For. Playing."_ Clint's vest flashed red once more, and he fell to his knees as Tony ran past, holding his chest as if it were gushing blood.

"Run, Tony! _RUN!_ "

" _Two. Lives. Left,"_ his vest informed him, flashing again.

"I didn't ask you!" he shouted at it, the artificial voice emanating from the speakers sounding very smug.

He ran as fast he could, arms pumping and boots slapping the concrete. He fired blindly behind him, but it didn't do any good. Tony was running faster than he had in his entire life. The cool air of the hangar stung his eyes and throat. The only advantage he had over Steve, who was faster, stronger, and bigger, was his smaller form. He used it to his own advantage.

He caught sight of a decrepit, old machine to his left, and at the last second, turned towards it. Tony ducked underneath its huge, low-hanging robotic arm. There was an uncomfortable pull in his back at the contortion, but he was thoroughly rewarded by a loud _bang._ Steve cried out in pain behind him, but Tony only spared a glance back to the blonde who held his head in both hands. His blaster hanged forgotten from a cord connecting it to his vest.

"Duck!" he shouted back, unable to help himself, and sprinted on.

He bought himself a few precious seconds, and finally found a cramped corner between some boxes and the furthest wall to hide. His breathing was labored and he made a mental note to maybe wander down to Stark Tower's gym a little more than he had as of late.

"TONY!" came Steve's enraged voice, and the blonde himself strode into a clearing of sorts about fifteen feet away, still rubbing his forehead.

" _Anthony_ ," he said in a low, dangerous voice. "Don't make this harder than it needs to be…"

Tony peered from his hiding place, watching him turn about the spot, looking down the scope of his gun. Behind him, Tony caught movement. He could just make out the dark curls, the glasses. Bruce fixed his gaze, flexed an arm, and winked. Tony didn't really understand, but he would go with whatever Bruce had planned.

" _FOR NATASHA!_ " He burst into the clearing.

Steve's vest flashed, and a robotic voice said, " _One. Life. Left."_ Banner's face scrunched up in confusion.

"One life left? I thought you already had one left," Bruce said.

Steve shook his head, grinning wide enough to split his face.

"You're mistaken," he said, and aimed his gun at Bruce just as his vest stopped flashing, signaling that it'd powered back on.

"Wait, wait, _wait!_ " Banner nearly shrieked, jumping backwards in an attempt to evade Rogers' blaster. He failed.

" _You. Are. Out. Of. Lives. Thanks. F-"_

" _NO!_ " Banner yelled.

His arms and chest began to shake, his voice deepening. "I thought I had you! I thought I'd…FINISHED YOU!" Steve put a hand out, palm facing the enraged man. Tony rolled his eyes, finally understanding Bruce's plan. He'd just let this go as far as it could…

"Alright, Bruce. It's just a game. Come on, let's calm down. Alright? Just calm down."

" _Calm down? HULK NOT CALM!_ " he roared.

Now, if Steve actually paid attention to what was going on and didn't let his nerves get the better of him, Tony thought, he would definitely suspect the fact that a) Banner was not turning green and b) Banner certainly wasn't the Hulk. Instead, when Bruce took a step forward, he tripped over himself in an attempt to get away, and landed flat on his back. _Finally!_ Tony thought. _It wasn't me this time._

He took his chance, leaping from his spot and bringing his blaster up. He said, "Hey," and when Steve tilted his head at the voice, Tony fired.

" _You. Are. Out. Of. Lives._ _Thanks. For. Playing._ "

Steve's mouth fell open in surprise.

" _Red. Team. Wins,_ " came the voice through Tony's vest, and a little ways off he could hear Clint and Natasha's shouts of victory. Bruce was cheering as well, pumping his fists in the air in a manner very unlike the normally tame doctor. Steve propped himself up on his elbows and turned between the two, shock written clearly upon his face.

"You," he said, pointing at Banner. "You tricked me…"

Bruce wasn't paying attention. Natasha and Clint had just ran into the clearing, joining Banner's celebration. Clint was patting him on the back, and Nat wrapped her arms around his neck in a quick hug. Thor and Hill followed, dramatically less excited and sulking.

"I demand a rematch!" Thor exclaimed. "This flimsy weapon is a mere pocket blade compared to the power of Mjölnir. A rematch, and I will put you sorry mortals into your rightful places!"

"Oh, you're just being sore," Nat said, rolling her eyes.

"Don't take it personally," Clint added, smirking. "We're just better than you guys."

Hill crossed her arms and said, "It was four to three!" Banner said something under his breath.

"Excuse me?" Hill said, eyebrow hitching up. "What was that?"

"I said, 'Whose side was the god on again?'"

"You mean to tempt him, Banner?" Thor asked in his thundering voice.

"Maybe I do," he said back, but he was grinning despite himself.

"If you girls are done with your pissing contest, I believe there is money to be exchanged," Clint said. "Did we or did we not have cash on this game?"

Amidst the chaos and rising voices, Steve turned back to Tony, shaking his head at their antics. Tony gave him a wink.

"Oh, I believe this is yours," Steve said, pushing himself up to his feet and pulling something from his pocket. He handed Tony his watch, the glass face cracked down four o' clock.

"Thanks," Tony said, fully expecting never to find it again.

He fixed it back on his wrist.

"Rematch?" Steve asked finally.

"Maybe later," Tony said, rubbing his back. "I think I pulled something."

Steve nodded, and said, "How about Friday?"

"I'm free Friday!" Tony said with a laugh.

Steve's eyes widened a little at his enthusiasm, but smiled nevertheless.

"Friday it is."

 **AN:** If you clicked on this fic, thanks! I thoroughly enjoyed writing this first chapter and I hope you enjoyed it. Please review on the story, any ideas for other oneshots, pairings, anything you guys would like to read. I have a few ideas for this fic, but I'd love your input as well. Thanks for reading and I hope to update another story soon.


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